human relations life lesson mind

Why don't we sometimes rejoice in the happiness of others?

投稿日:

"I can't frankly be pleased with the success of close people." "I'm laughing at the failure of familiar people." Don't you sometimes feel like that? We want to rejoice in the happiness of familiar people, but why can't we sometimes do it? I will tell you the reason and what you should do.

Why don't we sometimes rejoice in the happiness of others?

In what circumstances can't we rejoice in others' happiness

In the first place, we are considered to have a self-raising motive, which is a motivation to protect our self-esteem. To put it briefly, we all want to think "I am not so bad".

The reason why we are unhappy with the happiness of others eventually is that it hurts our self-esteem. Then, if we know how this self-esteem is compromised, we will understand the mechanism of jealous.

This is easy to understand by explaining with Tessar's self-evaluation maintenance (SEM) model.
The key point is accomplishment, self-relevance, mental distance.

accomplishment:The result of you and the opponent

self-relevance:How close does the subject to you

mental distance:How close does the person to you

With the balance of these three elements, whether your self-esteem is impaired or not will change.

Cases self-esteem decreases

① When self-relevance is high, mental distance is close to the person, and he/she is better than you in task performance

For instance...

You are good at cooking, often entertain friends and family. You're proud of it. One day you saw that your best friend, Aya, posted "I made authentic French, I was also praised by top chefs! I'm happy !!". It was overwhelmingly luxurious than Italian that you put on the other day.

Like above. In this case, self assessment is threatened and our self-esteem is in danger. Therefore, you will feel jealousy and stress against Aya.

Cases self-esteem increases

②When self-relevance is low, mental distance is close to the person, and he/she is better than you in task performance. 

For instance...

You like your work and feel motivated to work. One evening, you saw your best friend Aya sing as a singer on TV! After that, you checked FACEBOOK and saw that the post of Aya "Finally!! I debuted !!!!!".

Like above. In this case you will be proud that your best friend Aya becoming famous as a singer. Your self assessment will increase.

In other words, if a person close to you succeeds in the field related to yourself , you will compare yourself with that person and lower your self assessment, but if a person close to you succeeds in the field unrelated to yourself, you increase your self-assessment by being close to famous person.

How can we avoid hurting our own feelings by others' happiness?

Have you grasped the mechanism of bad feelings such as distortion, envy, jealousy, etc. against the happiness of our other people? In short, we have a negative feeling for the things that let us think "we are not good".

There is a continuation of the SEM theory of Tessar. By adjusting these following three elements we can maintain self evaluation.

Then, how can we be happy?

accomplishment:The result of you and the opponent

self-relevance:How close does the subject to you

mental distance:How close does the person to you

  • accomplishment:"I did it!". To achieve results not to lose to that opponent.
  • self-relevance:"I don't care about it because I didn't do my best". To quit to work hard on it.
  • mental distance:"I don't care about him/her" To weak the relationship with the person.

We use these three strategies on a daily basis. That's fine if you can do this, but if the person or the task is important for you, you can't go that way.

Then how should we do?

Stop fighting

What you can adjust by thinking is self - relevance of the task. I explained that self-relevance means that "How close does the subject to you". Let you free from jealousy by adjusting the distance between the subject and yourself.

Let's think about it, for example, on the matter of the previous dish.

Change the definition of the subject

In this example the problem was 'cooking'.

The belief that you can cook well was helpful for your self-esteem. So your frustration was accumulated by knowing that your best friend Aya cook better than you.
At this time, if you can't change the distance with Aya or cooking and can't work hard so that cooking improves better than Aya, let's stop thinking you can cook well and keeping self-esteem by the belief.

There are two ways.

1.Change the definition of subject which relevant to self.

For example, "I thought vaguely that I were good at cooking, but I am good at Japanese cuisine even in cuisine" or "I am good at home cooking that is easily made" like that.

It's may effective to adjust the definition of the your strength.

一On the other hand, for example, when you simply jealous about the happiness of others, it is important to clarify first what point you are jealous of it. If you are vaguely envy something that looks happy, you will have to be jealous of something forever. Happiness is different from person to person, so let's examine what you are jealous about and whether of not that is really a self-relevant issue for you.

 

2.Change the relationship between subject and oneself

Even if you change the definition of it, if you can't win Aya, let's change the relationship between the subject and yourself.

The relationship means how much it helps to raise your self-esteem. If you are not confident that you are good at it, let's change the  recognition. Like that "I'm doing my best because I'm not good at it" or "I'm not good at it but I love it." If you divide it like that, you should be able to respond to Aya's post, like "Great! Please teach me!".

In this way you can adjust your definition of subjects that you are good at, or you can change it to something you like but not good at it.

Summary

Jealousy will build up when a person close to you succeeds in the field close to you because your self-esteem is threatened.
The solution is to put distance from the opponent, to quit trying hard in that field, or to produce results that will defeat the opponent. If that is difficult, redefine your favorite subject or think that you're not good at but just like it.

  • この記事を書いた人

いずみ (Izumi)

I will study human brains at graduate school after going through business person. May humankind be happy after this evolution of the world. It's easier to change ourselves rather than others. Update yourself.

-human relations, life lesson, mind

Copyright© Update yourself , 2019 All Rights Reserved Powered by AFFINGER5.